Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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