u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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