after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
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