in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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