everyone is single if you try hard enough
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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