I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize