It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I want her autograph on my taint
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
