His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
