he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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