ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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