I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
