If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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