She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
