i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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