Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
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Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
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valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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