then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
