I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
