just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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