i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
