We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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