Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
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Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
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Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize