Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
