I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
