They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
