it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
