Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
