I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
