i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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