So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
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My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
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Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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