I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
