Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
