can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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