Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
