i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
