Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
