wrigley field is MILF paradise
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
where does the pee come out of this thing
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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