so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
