Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
