we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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