Im at strip club and am horny
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
