But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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