im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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