who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Randomize
