The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
