I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
