Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You took a bar mat shot.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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