i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
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My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
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There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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