he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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