Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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