Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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