a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
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