My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
