she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
