Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
