I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
