I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
