I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
