see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
