I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
